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i'm on this more than anything. i'll stay on this. though, tumblr sees to be more on what i'm doing and loving.

iTunes

How many songs total: 686

How many hours or days of music: 1.8 Days

Sort by song title;
First song: “Back In Black”
Last song: “Oblivion”

Sort by time;
Shortest song: “Jaded”
Longest song: “Homecoming”

Sort by album;
First album: Aha Shake Heartbreak
Last album: 30 Seconds To Mars

Top ten most played songs:
1. “Possibility”
2. “Airplanes”
3. “Satellite Heart”
4. “Someone Like You”
5. “Always Attract”
6. “Lost In Stereo”
7. “Eyes On Fire”
8. “Closer To The Edge”
9. “When It's Time”
10. “Winter Winds”

First song that comes up on shuffle: “Oblivion - 30 Seconds To Mars”

Search the following & state how many songs come up:
Life - 6
Death - 4
Love - 47
Hate - 3
You - 92
Me - 190
Sex - 2

You.

Stupid. I'm such a stupid little girl. I'll know something from the heart but something will knock me onto a different road and that will be it. I will forget all the things I've learned; and I starting thinking too much. I start asking and answering my own questions. I start making myself upset. 

 

I'm writing this to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such an idiot. For going onto that road that brings me the stupid questions and answers. I'm sorry for making myself so upset and most of all; being the silliest girl that you have ever known. 

                I know you hear me saying sorry a million times, but it's because I'm such an idiot that I don't know what to say to myself or anyone else. I guess it's my way of saying; I don't want to lose you. 

 

Losing you will  be the death of me, BUT! I know I'm not going to lose you. Like we have said before; we are taking each step for each day. Plus we both know that we will always love each other. I will love you until the day I am six foot under. I never have felt like I feel now. You make me feel alive, loved, and happy. I know what it feels to love someone now; because of you.

 

I love you, and I don’t care if you say that you wouldn't trust yourself like I do. But I do; I trust you so much. Even though I ask you the most random and weird questions; it's because it's normal for a girl to ask them questions. No matter how much she can trust. No matter how much she knows.

 

Arrghhh. All I can say is that I love you; and I don't want you to change one little bit. Because if you did; I'd miss the you I fell in love with; but I wouldn't stop. You're my beautiful baby. 

 

I love you.

Expectations.

There are so many things in life that we want but we can't have. And to us; everything we don't want; is what we want. In addition this makes are more frustrated. And most of all; everyday each and everyone of us become more and more ungrateful for what we have because we can't get the things that we do want. It's just a horrible circle that none of us can avoid or get out of. No matter how much we try, no matter how much we think we aren't one of the ungrateful people. What do we do? I don't expect things. Though, in my head I will think maybe I will. But I'm not too bothered about it if I don't. I didn't expect to get it; so I don't feel any loss. If someone says they will get you this for your birthday; then say "yer that would be great! I'd love that." Even though they have said it; it doesn't mean that they will. It's easier said than done. And believe me; it's so hard to be able to do what you have said. That's why I have learned to speak with my actions first. If I can get object a. Then I will say I will get it; and then the next day. I will get object a. If I have seen, but cannot get. I don't say. There are so many people out in this world that looks for things that they haven't got. They hang on every word you say. And if you haven't fulfilled their expectations of you; you have nothing but shame written across your head. While they have selfish written over their's. 

Expressions can leave a mark on someone's mind. You know when you haven't done what you are supposed to. When you see that face of disappointment. Where they can't look at you. And when they do they can't stand it because they had all that trust in you. Just for that one thing. That object. That task. Those words. And you couldn't fulfill them. You're a liar in their eyes. But to you; you tried your best to get it. But they don't know that. 

What if we could all just get what we wanted. What if we could get what we said we were going to get. What if suddenly we didn't disappoint the ones we love. Because the ones we love are the ones we look up to. The ones we turn to it different circumstances. In the situations that they could help out best. Who you can trust. The one that has disappointed you; though you still hold onto hope. Hoping that they will pull the rabbit out of that hat; and surprise you one day. Maybe? Or the one that has pulled so many rabbits; you want them to see the cruelty and you hope that they didn't pull the rabbit out. But they pulled the carrots out instead. 

So many of us wish things that we shouldn't wish. I saw someone write their status (on facebook) saying; "I wish I could go back in time and fix that one mistake I made." Why? I wouldn't. Because if you changed that one little mistake, you change what you are doing now. Mistakes help us learn. But most of it helps us move on with life; its that boost button we've all pushed and now we regret it. But as I have pointed out before; that is life. And whatever happens; we have to get up off the floor and keep walking. Keep our heads held high. 

All of our expectations are high. And they lead us to become selfish. Something we all deny we are; but unknowingly, we all are.

There is no noise, only sound.

Music. It brings you to life. No matter what genre you like to listen to. It brings each and every one of us together. It makes each and every one of us feel like us; makes us feel unique.  Music gives us friends. Lovers. Closer to ourselves. If we were without music; what would we be? Who would we be? And most of all; would we living the life we are living now. Would we have a different life, different friends, different lovers. Would it be like that? How was music created? 

Whatever they created, years and years ago, they obviously didn't know the power that it would bring. They probably didn't know that what they created would develop into something else. So many instruments have been made. My favourite; the guitar.

The guitar is something that I would love to learn. Something that I would happily have and keep. Something that I could save myself from boredom. A guitar is one instrument that is always in music. As well as a voice. A voice doesn't have to be perfect, or in tune. It has to mean something. Something from the heart. Something that will make someone sit and listen and understand. And relate to. That is what a voice was made for wasn't it? Not for it to be judged. For it to be heard. Someone could sing in a perfect harmony, but have no feelings, nothing that comes from the heart. Nothing that means anything. But if someone came along, with a song that has something from the heart, that means something, has feelings. But couldn't sing in tune. That person would sound beautiful from what they are saying.

Words are such strong things. They can bring some happiness; but tear you apart. Though the ones that make you happy are because of who they come from.

Beautiful is such a beautiful word. 

Three words that comes from one person makes me happy. 

Music judges people. No matter what you listen to; you will be judged. If you listen to rap; they assume you're a 'gangster'.  You listen to r&b; they think you're a chav or some person who is up themselves. You listen to rock; you're an emo. And if you listen to anything else then you're not worth it. The book may look like something; but maybe just the words, the feelings, the story is completely different to the outside. And that judge is different. 

Everyone is different and no matter how we know someone they are always hiding something. And they could tell you but maybe they won't.

No matter what you do. You will always be you. And you will be unique.  You are you.

Do what you want.

Life.

The sunniest day of the week, and i didn't miss one bit of it. Life makes you want to wonder why? Which brings us back to the first blog i ever did. Questions. They are asked every second, and sometimes, they aren't put into a question. But those questions, they lead to arguments. It was three 'o'clock and I was on the grass, with Matt. We were enjoying the sun; but mostly each others company. And he asked me a question that made me think, all the way home. It's weird how we got only one life. Can you imagine if we had unlimited? That question swam around my head, and quite honestly; it still is. But it's something someone wonders about. What if we did have unlimited life's. What would we all be like? What couldn't we do? 

We'd take things for granted wouldn't we? If we missed something, then we wouldn't care because we would know that we have another life. Mistakes wouldn't be mistakes. Because we would be able to make them right, next time. Would we become lonely? Because of our unlimited life's, would we forget how to love another? Or would we get sick and tired of it? Or would we not know what it truly feels like? 

There are so many things that we miss in life, and we have opportunities but many of them we will decline. Our road will change every so often. And some things we will wish for and never get, but some we do. Good and bad things happen through life. Many are bad, but are for the good. And some are good, and for the bad. We will lose many people, and gain a few. But the few we keep are the ones we truly keep. Not everything we lose we find. And the many that we lose are gone forever and all we can do is wish them well. But what if it wasn't like this? Would it be called life? Would anything we do matter? Would we care?

We would go crazy. That's what Matt said. We would. We would go crazy, because we would kill ourselves, then come back. It would be an never-ending line that would suddenly made us turn down the wrong road. 

No-one wants eternal life. If we did we would watch the ones we love slowly go. One by one. We would be lonely. We would have nothing to live for. Nothing to wake up, feeling lucky for. Nothing to look forward to each day. It's a wish we all want; but a wish we know we shouldn't have. 

So from now on. Live life the way you want to. If an opportunity comes up, do what you want; take it or leave it. When you lose something, try your hardest to find it. And if it turns out to be lost forever; maybe you weren't meant to have it. If something bad happens; think about the good side of it. And if something good happens; be grateful it wasn't bad. If you find love; hold onto it, enjoy it and when it fades, remember it and never regret it. Because you are the one that is living your life, you are the one who is putting that road down as you walk. You are the one that can rely on this road. And when something makes you stop; get back up again and carry on. Because thats the way of life. We are born, we are here to do what we want to do. And we go. This is one part of life that makes life, life. Dieing is one way of staying forever. Because if you are missed; you are not gone, not yet. Dieing is us. 

When life gives you lemons; you make lemonade.

Lost.

You can never really know. What will happen. 

It's a funny thing. Love. One minute you can be at the top of the world. Then, the next. You're at the bottom of it. You will be flying; until you crash. And all of these things could happen. In just a space of five minutes.

You'll be sitting there. Thinking that the life you have right now is perfect. You love it. You have the best guy in the world sitting next to you. He is perfect to you. No matter what your friends say. He hasn't got any faults. Well he does but you can get through them better than anyone else can. Because you love him. And you know that he does. But. He doesn't. But you don't know that. See what you don't know is that he hasn't been loving you for 2 months. And he has been lying that he does. He also has found someone that he does like. And has been seeing this person. For a while now. Behind your back. So while you think that everything is all flowers and buttercups. It is actually been a walk through a desert: empty, and pointless. He doesn't know how to tell you, he hasn't been able to for a while. The love you give; isn't given back. So it's wasted. And the evil thing is; you don't know. Until the last minute. The last minute where you noticed the change. You hide it. Like a mask. You've noticed it a lot this month. Your friends have been telling you to talk to him. Especially your best friend. She has been a very good friend. Though she is the one who is to take your boyfriend away from you. And you don't know that.

So he finally says your name in that tone where you know something is going to happen. You're sitting on that bench, watching the sun go down. You reply with a smile, and "yes." He slowly gets to the point where he tells you that he doesn't know what he feels towards you anymore. Your heart sinks like a boat in water. It won't be until the boat hits the bottom until you function in what he is saying. He tells you that he cares for you; doesn't want a bad thing to happen. If you need help; he will be there. And then he finally gets to the point where he says he has to let you go. He says he doesn't want to be with you anymore. You're not the right person for him; but you are for someone else. The boat hits the bottom. 

You sit there. It all repeats in your head. He is still sitting there, looking at you. Waiting for that reaction. That smile. It's gone. Though your face has formed into a confused face. What have you done? Can you make it better? Who is the other girl? He hasn't spoken about another girl. But that's the first question that runs through your head. And the first one you say. "No-one." He says no-one. But can you believe him? After he has been lying about his feelings towards you for the last two months. It's a choice that can only be made by you. Your throat wells up. Your eyes become blind. And you suddenly lose all of that happy energy that you once had. That world that was always sunny, is now raining. You face the sun. You watch it as it folds itself under the sky. You keep your head held high; as that silent tear rolls down your cheek. He notices' this tear, wraps around his arms around you. Your last hug. You know it is, no matter how much he says that it won't be. It will be. You think about all the last things. Your face has been clouded by rain from your eyes. He says he has to go. "Let me walk you home so I know that you are home safe." He takes you home. The road was silent. So were you.

You wake up the next day; the sky is blue but to you, its black. You head out with your jeans and jumper to the place you last sat. You sit there for the whole day. You watch the sun come up. And you watch it go down. In silence. Your world isn't as perfect as you thought it was. You don't want any contact with anyone. So you ignore your texts, your calls, and the knocks on your door. Three months go by and all the texts, calls and knocks have given up. They can't be bothered, because just like you; they gave love, but are not getting anything back. It's wasted. You live your life is a daze. You don't remember anything. But that night. And the loneliness you feel. Everyone is worried. Everyone has lost the sound of your voice. Your best friend, isn't your best friend. And you good friend, is the only one who can stand with you being quiet. Lost. In a daze. She knows that you will come round when you can. She knows you can force a broken heart. You watch him walk around like nothing is wrong. Nothing mattered to him. But he secretly watches you; break in two. And it hurts him to know that is was him that made you like this. The broken heart you have is broken more from the loss of your best friend, many of your friends.

Another two months go by. Your good friend is now your best friend. She has been there for you. And you are grateful. You're grateful for her patience. You're sitting next to her in the classroom. They are talking about their pets. Their animals. Your cat is dying. You haven't told anyone. But one of your friends knows you have an animal. "How is your cat these days?" "She's dying. They say she has a week left. Thats all. It's funny how they can predict how much more life someone can have. Don't you think?" Your best friend looks at you; she smiles. "Hello. Welcome back." You laugh together. It feels good to laugh. You haven't laughed in a long while. Everyone is happy to have you back; but many are not sure they know you anymore. You've changed. You don't like the things you liked then. And now you like the things you hated; and the things you liked you hate. You're different person. Though you like this new person. You know that whatever happens; that person that 'loved' you will now hate you. 

Those five months of silence; has rewarded you a new life. A new start. A second chance. Something that you need. You've gotten over him now. That memory, which was your worst, is now someone else's memory. Because that used to be you. But now it is not. So you have forgotten. You sit on that bench and smile. You smile at the sun. Because the sun will always come up, for a new beginning, a new day. You have that chance; a new beginning, a new day. All you remember now, is the long silence. That long road home. The road that is now, lost.