i love you.

Matthew Robert Wemyss. I love you.
You are the light in my life. I couldn't ask for anyone else to love me as you do. I look at others and I think about how lucky they have this and that. But then. I look at you. And that's it. I know that, anyone could give me every bit of clothing I wanted. Everything that I want. But I wouldn't think I was lucky until I have you beside me. You make me feel whole. You make me feel like me. I don't have to pretend. I don't have to change. I don't have to be someone else, for you to want me.
You know. Today I was sitting there thinking about my past. What I've done. What I've been through. What has been done to me. And I look back now, as if they were a different me. They aren't my memories. They are something that happened to a girl that didn't know what it was like to be loved. To be wanted. To feel beautiful. To feel like Lyndsay.
Thank you.
I love you. I can't look at another person. Yes, as all humans do, I look at the opposite sex and think. Hmm. They look nice. They look fit. They got good muscles. But I don't want them. The only person I want is you. No-one else.
You tell me that I'm beautiful every day. And I go home. Look in the mirror. And every day I feel better about myself. I look at the girl staring back at me and think "woah. She's beautiful. She looks good." This is because of you. Because of you, I can now look in the mirror and say I like what I see. I like my pudge. I like what I see. But baby. Look in your mirror. What do you see? I see a guy standing there. But not any guy. I see you. I see the guy I love. Baby, you are beautiful. And don't think anything bad. You've taught me to love my body. So I am going to do the same. Don't let anyone bring you down. Because to me. You look amazing.
 
Whenever I think of you. I smile. I look at my dad, and smile. Because he trusts you and likes you. I thank him for many of the things that I am grateful in my life. For my daddy to like you is something special and that I am happy about. Anyone can get past my mum. I don't really mind that. But my dad. My dad is someone that is special to me. And for someone special to me to like you like he does. It brightens up the rainiest day that we could have in England.
Do you know that I love you so much for trying to talk to many of my friends that you have never spoken to before? But you know, of all people, that I only want you to be comfortable with one of my friends. My best friend. And I am sure that you will. You understand my head more than anyone does. And that is something that you need to be proud of because I don't usually trust someone so much.
 
I will help you through anything. Anything that you need. I know that if you want someone to just listen, I will. I will sit there and listen. And after I have listened I will hug you. Comfort you. I won't say a word. I won't say a word. I'll be the friend that will stand by you. I will be your guardian angel. I will be nothing but what I can be. And all I can be is myself. Which I know that you love me for. Because I am myself and nothing else. No-one else.
 
I love you so much. Nothing can stop me. Not even if the sky turned green and the grass turned blue. I will always love you. You have become such a big part of my life for many things, and I will NOT let you go. Even if you do. You'll never leave my heart. I'll talk about you until the day I die. And when I'm talking to my friends I will talk about you. And when I will be sitting at home. I will be talking to you.
I love you. Nothing can change that. Ever.

my best friend.

My best friend.
I couldn't ask for anyone better. Truly the best. He has never left my side. Always helped me through things, and though he lives so many miles away. He is still close.
Throughout my six years of knowing him. I've made my decisions through him. My best friend. Jake.
Jake, and I know you will read this. You can't get any better. Seriously. There hasn't gone a day where I think of you or something will remind me of you. Whenever I'm lonely, I will always turn to you. Jake, you have been there. Not just through my phone, or a page you send, or even an email. You've been here by heart. And I know. No best friend can get better than you. No-one. Looking back on the times where I used to take seeing you every day for granted, I wish I held those days. For keeps. Because I can't get them back. Only through memories. And memories cannot do a lot because memories fade unless they are special. A good example would be when we made that ink puddle in maths. We got my ink from all of my pens, and deliberately tipped the ink onto the floor of Miss Johnson's carpet. She annoyed us. So we annoyed her classroom. I remember when you left in year eight. A sad time for me. I remember walking into that lesson. Sitting next to an empty seat. With a puddle of ink underneath it. I remember wanting to burst into tears. I was lonely. We, truly, were a double act.
I'm so glad I stuck by you. So glad I kept in contact. If I didn't. I wouldn't have anyone I could talk to. No-one I would be able to relate to. No-one to be my best friend.
Jake. Honestly. You are my brother. You are my family. And as family, no-one can replace you.
Every time I get to see you, I take my time. I want the day to last forever. Because I hardly see you. Its bringing a couple of tears to my eyes, just thinking about it all. I look like a right noob (I don't even know what it means) sitting here, with silent tears slowly rolling down my face. And I can tell that by this very moment you are laughing at us two, getting all emotional.
I really do look up to you. Not because you are tall. But because you are my guidance. With decisions, you help me with choosing the right one. You don't even know. A good example would be when I like a guy. If they can get past the fact that I see you, and when I do I either sleep round yours or the other way round, they need to be taught or they have to get over it. I have that guy now. I have a guy who understands. Understands our friendship. Which I am so happy about. Makes me love him more and more every day. God I'm going blind.
Jake. If I were to lose you as my best friend. I would lose myself. It's like we are twins. Separated at birth and connected 12 years later. Thank you. For everything. For being Jake. Don't let anyone come bringing you down. Don't you EVER forget that. Never.

Friday, 2010 March 26th

My first one. My first blog.

Here i sit. On my laptop. A sixteen year-old girl, who is half way through her A Levels. The girl who has so much to question, and very little to answer. The girl who has many around her. But sees very few. The girl that doesn't understand. The girl that believes that she can write about herself everyday, every week, every month. And this girl knows, that one day, she'll have a follower .. and then she'll have another. And so on. Though she may know this. She may not know what to do. What to say. Maybe one day she will find out. But until then she sits at her laptop wondering what to write about herself, her life. The people in it.

Today. The 26th of the 3rd month, of the 2010th year of life. She lived in her sixth form common room with her love. And her friends.

i love him. matt. he is always there for me. never a day where he will not think about me. everyday he cares. he is my shelter to the cruelness of the world that i see. the world that won't stop to hurt me, like everyone else in this world.
Who walks on hot coal without getting burnt. Meaning = Who hasn't been hurt by the evilness of what hope gives us. Hope. Something evil. Cruel. Makes us fly, then drops us like a toy. A toy. Something that a child plays with. Something that we all used to play with. A toy. Now we play with other peoples minds. The one thing each and everyone of us all love to play around with. Feelings. Feelings. They have a mind of their own. They will make you feel love, happiness, nothing better to feel. Then when it gets bored. It will drop the world on your head. Pain. You feel pain. And no matter what you do, you can't get away. No matter how much you try. A mind of its own.

Someone once told me "i'm not who i really am. i'm not who everyone thinks i am. i wear a mask." i simply replied : so your making this all up. every single little bit. well i could start if you wanted. like to say, what if i have already started. maybe i started long before i even started talking to you. how do you know that i am who i am? how do you know that i haven't just picked up a usb key, used the photos online and pretended. the internet is something that can never be figured out. like a brain. no-one will ever know what goes though someones mind. no matter how one person will say to another, "you know my mind, i speak my mind" .. we will never know what goes through our neighbours mind. the mind. another thing we like to mess around with.

I used the internet, as myself. The girl i portray myself to be. The girl that makes everyone believe something completely different. A mask.
That someone. Speechless. Maybe we aren't all that we expect. But then again if we didn't keep our thoughts to ourselves. Then we wouldn't be ourselves. We wouldn't be who we are. But then, because we hide who we are, we aren't ourselves. So no matter who or what we do. We will never be ourselves. Who are ourselves? How and when would we find out? Our death bed?

Why don't we remember? Remember things when we were young. Were we never meant to know? Why?
Why. Its always a good question. Its always a good answer. But which one?
Why don't we know?
Will we ever know?
WE don't know.