Life.

The sunniest day of the week, and i didn't miss one bit of it. Life makes you want to wonder why? Which brings us back to the first blog i ever did. Questions. They are asked every second, and sometimes, they aren't put into a question. But those questions, they lead to arguments. It was three 'o'clock and I was on the grass, with Matt. We were enjoying the sun; but mostly each others company. And he asked me a question that made me think, all the way home. It's weird how we got only one life. Can you imagine if we had unlimited? That question swam around my head, and quite honestly; it still is. But it's something someone wonders about. What if we did have unlimited life's. What would we all be like? What couldn't we do? 

We'd take things for granted wouldn't we? If we missed something, then we wouldn't care because we would know that we have another life. Mistakes wouldn't be mistakes. Because we would be able to make them right, next time. Would we become lonely? Because of our unlimited life's, would we forget how to love another? Or would we get sick and tired of it? Or would we not know what it truly feels like? 

There are so many things that we miss in life, and we have opportunities but many of them we will decline. Our road will change every so often. And some things we will wish for and never get, but some we do. Good and bad things happen through life. Many are bad, but are for the good. And some are good, and for the bad. We will lose many people, and gain a few. But the few we keep are the ones we truly keep. Not everything we lose we find. And the many that we lose are gone forever and all we can do is wish them well. But what if it wasn't like this? Would it be called life? Would anything we do matter? Would we care?

We would go crazy. That's what Matt said. We would. We would go crazy, because we would kill ourselves, then come back. It would be an never-ending line that would suddenly made us turn down the wrong road. 

No-one wants eternal life. If we did we would watch the ones we love slowly go. One by one. We would be lonely. We would have nothing to live for. Nothing to wake up, feeling lucky for. Nothing to look forward to each day. It's a wish we all want; but a wish we know we shouldn't have. 

So from now on. Live life the way you want to. If an opportunity comes up, do what you want; take it or leave it. When you lose something, try your hardest to find it. And if it turns out to be lost forever; maybe you weren't meant to have it. If something bad happens; think about the good side of it. And if something good happens; be grateful it wasn't bad. If you find love; hold onto it, enjoy it and when it fades, remember it and never regret it. Because you are the one that is living your life, you are the one who is putting that road down as you walk. You are the one that can rely on this road. And when something makes you stop; get back up again and carry on. Because thats the way of life. We are born, we are here to do what we want to do. And we go. This is one part of life that makes life, life. Dieing is one way of staying forever. Because if you are missed; you are not gone, not yet. Dieing is us. 

When life gives you lemons; you make lemonade.

Lost.

You can never really know. What will happen. 

It's a funny thing. Love. One minute you can be at the top of the world. Then, the next. You're at the bottom of it. You will be flying; until you crash. And all of these things could happen. In just a space of five minutes.

You'll be sitting there. Thinking that the life you have right now is perfect. You love it. You have the best guy in the world sitting next to you. He is perfect to you. No matter what your friends say. He hasn't got any faults. Well he does but you can get through them better than anyone else can. Because you love him. And you know that he does. But. He doesn't. But you don't know that. See what you don't know is that he hasn't been loving you for 2 months. And he has been lying that he does. He also has found someone that he does like. And has been seeing this person. For a while now. Behind your back. So while you think that everything is all flowers and buttercups. It is actually been a walk through a desert: empty, and pointless. He doesn't know how to tell you, he hasn't been able to for a while. The love you give; isn't given back. So it's wasted. And the evil thing is; you don't know. Until the last minute. The last minute where you noticed the change. You hide it. Like a mask. You've noticed it a lot this month. Your friends have been telling you to talk to him. Especially your best friend. She has been a very good friend. Though she is the one who is to take your boyfriend away from you. And you don't know that.

So he finally says your name in that tone where you know something is going to happen. You're sitting on that bench, watching the sun go down. You reply with a smile, and "yes." He slowly gets to the point where he tells you that he doesn't know what he feels towards you anymore. Your heart sinks like a boat in water. It won't be until the boat hits the bottom until you function in what he is saying. He tells you that he cares for you; doesn't want a bad thing to happen. If you need help; he will be there. And then he finally gets to the point where he says he has to let you go. He says he doesn't want to be with you anymore. You're not the right person for him; but you are for someone else. The boat hits the bottom. 

You sit there. It all repeats in your head. He is still sitting there, looking at you. Waiting for that reaction. That smile. It's gone. Though your face has formed into a confused face. What have you done? Can you make it better? Who is the other girl? He hasn't spoken about another girl. But that's the first question that runs through your head. And the first one you say. "No-one." He says no-one. But can you believe him? After he has been lying about his feelings towards you for the last two months. It's a choice that can only be made by you. Your throat wells up. Your eyes become blind. And you suddenly lose all of that happy energy that you once had. That world that was always sunny, is now raining. You face the sun. You watch it as it folds itself under the sky. You keep your head held high; as that silent tear rolls down your cheek. He notices' this tear, wraps around his arms around you. Your last hug. You know it is, no matter how much he says that it won't be. It will be. You think about all the last things. Your face has been clouded by rain from your eyes. He says he has to go. "Let me walk you home so I know that you are home safe." He takes you home. The road was silent. So were you.

You wake up the next day; the sky is blue but to you, its black. You head out with your jeans and jumper to the place you last sat. You sit there for the whole day. You watch the sun come up. And you watch it go down. In silence. Your world isn't as perfect as you thought it was. You don't want any contact with anyone. So you ignore your texts, your calls, and the knocks on your door. Three months go by and all the texts, calls and knocks have given up. They can't be bothered, because just like you; they gave love, but are not getting anything back. It's wasted. You live your life is a daze. You don't remember anything. But that night. And the loneliness you feel. Everyone is worried. Everyone has lost the sound of your voice. Your best friend, isn't your best friend. And you good friend, is the only one who can stand with you being quiet. Lost. In a daze. She knows that you will come round when you can. She knows you can force a broken heart. You watch him walk around like nothing is wrong. Nothing mattered to him. But he secretly watches you; break in two. And it hurts him to know that is was him that made you like this. The broken heart you have is broken more from the loss of your best friend, many of your friends.

Another two months go by. Your good friend is now your best friend. She has been there for you. And you are grateful. You're grateful for her patience. You're sitting next to her in the classroom. They are talking about their pets. Their animals. Your cat is dying. You haven't told anyone. But one of your friends knows you have an animal. "How is your cat these days?" "She's dying. They say she has a week left. Thats all. It's funny how they can predict how much more life someone can have. Don't you think?" Your best friend looks at you; she smiles. "Hello. Welcome back." You laugh together. It feels good to laugh. You haven't laughed in a long while. Everyone is happy to have you back; but many are not sure they know you anymore. You've changed. You don't like the things you liked then. And now you like the things you hated; and the things you liked you hate. You're different person. Though you like this new person. You know that whatever happens; that person that 'loved' you will now hate you. 

Those five months of silence; has rewarded you a new life. A new start. A second chance. Something that you need. You've gotten over him now. That memory, which was your worst, is now someone else's memory. Because that used to be you. But now it is not. So you have forgotten. You sit on that bench and smile. You smile at the sun. Because the sun will always come up, for a new beginning, a new day. You have that chance; a new beginning, a new day. All you remember now, is the long silence. That long road home. The road that is now, lost.

Tears.

We all have them. They never leave us. It's like an unwanted friend, there. Talking to you. Annoying you. It's like a friend that you care about, but only sometimes. You only care about them when you are too happy. You have to hope that they won't drop you down that cliff that will kill you at the bottom. And fool you along the way. Anger. Depression. Annoyed. Bored. Laziness. Happy. Excited. Enjoyment. Love.

 

Love is the one that fucking pisses you about. When you truly love someone, and they suddenly let you down. You feel like shit. You feel like the world is crashing down. You don't know what to do. You want to cry your eyes out. You don't know what to do. Everything becomes more confusing. Then you start noticing things. Noticing the things that you start to make bad. Like avoiding. You start to think they want to avoid you. Deliberately ignoring you. But then you keep thinking, and you are going silly. You know they aren't but. Then when you do talk to them. Its one words. And you don't know what to do. That silent tear rolls down your cheek. Then that silent tear turns into many silent tears. And there you are sitting in front of the screen. Silently crying. Over someone you love. Love makes you feel so high. But so low. You want that person to be around you all the time but then again you don't because you will soon come to the stage where you don't want to. Then it all falls apart because the other one notices. You get jealous over everything. When you need someone, that someone is there. But what if they are not. What do you do? Cry? To sleep? Maybe you need someone to say something to. But then again, do you want to keep it to yourself until you can tell them? Maybe you should just cry. Let another silent tear crawl down that beautiful cheek of yours. But when love makes you feel like heaven. You can't explain it. You can't help but notice you smiling. Feeling good about you. Words really can't explain it.

Depression. What can anyone do? No-one can help you. Not even pills. Drink. Or drugs. You're stuck. In a box of loneliness. You cut yourself out of your circle of friends. Everything that happens, even if it's good, you find a bad note in the rhythm. You turn to your pillow. And cry. You look at everyone around you. They look so happy. They have their friends to guide them. Everyone is having fun. And you can't help but see their smiles fill up the world. Some have lovers. Some have their family. You smile at their good fortune and happiness. Then. You look at the seat beside you. Both sides. There is no-one there. No-one to be your friend. No-one to help you when you need it. No-one to love you. No-one care for you. No-one to make you smile. To make you laugh. And there it is. Depression. The sadness fills you up. You're in that room. That blank room. The room where you're by yourself. No matter how much you cry, that room will not give in to give you a hug. You have no-one. Well so you think. Your best friend; is that tear. That tear that runs over your skin. That's. Your best friend.

Happiness cannot be explained. There is nothing you can say. Nothing at all. You can only explain your happiness. And you can only explain it in your head. When you want to explain, your mind goes blank.

Even happiness can make you cry.